Hmmm. The total rewrite of this sentence may have improved the Japanese, but it (still) doesn't match the English. Does "お姉さんが手を繋ぐ" really mean "Should I take your hand"?

I rewrote 「手をとってあげようか？」 ->「手をつないであげようか？」.
The translation of "Should I take your hand?" would be 「私が手をつなぐべきですか？」literally. but It's not natural in this situation.

I translated:
"I" -> 「お姉さん」　by original sentence.
"Should I ..." -> 「～してあげようか？」 because It's more kind phrase, and It's from someone elder(お姉さん)'s consideration for Ren.

Thanks. I'd missed the point about an older sister calling *herself* お姉さん. The rather odd English in the third part doesn't help. I think it would make more sense if it was "Every year you get lost immediately". I think that fits the Japanese OK.

> I'd missed the point about an older sister calling *herself* お姉さん.
実はこれ、必ずしも実の姉じゃなくてもいいんです。

http://tatoeba.org/jpn/sentences/show/2609429
メアリーは遊園地で一人で泣いている男の子を見つけて、やさしく声をかけた。「ねえ、ぼく、どうしたの？ 迷子になっちゃったの？ お姉ちゃんが迷子センターに連れてってあげようか？」

Thanks. That's a point that had eluded me, but I see other cases of お姉さん being used to mean "older girl" where there is no relationship. I'll attempt a translation of your new sentence.